So Damn Clever
by yellowxxxlily
Summary: Follow Sirius as he unravels the mysteries of the muggle world with humourous results. It is a truly elastic story, with many facets of amusement. Chapter one features the fellyfone! R
1. The Thief of a Fellyfone!

**AN:** Well this is just something I thought of the other day. It is a chapter story but **Still Fighting It** is still my first priority... this more for when I have writers block (which is currently happening!) I'll update still fighting it soon enough... I'm just at the weird stage where I can end it or I can carry on and have 20 more chapters... can't decide!

Anyway back to this, if any of you have any ideas that you'd like me to write into the story let me know!

Read on and review!

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**Chapter 1: The Thief of a Fellyfone**

"Smith," Sirius asked expectantly

Kay twirled her blonde hair and carried on jotting down something. Sirius tried again, "Smith?"

Kay ignored him and turned to speak to Lily Evans. Sirius was now frustrated, "SMITH!"

Kay looked up, her blue eyes glinting, "WHAT?" she screamed just as loudly as Sirius had.

Sirius shook his head pitifully, "ARE YOU DEAF?" he screamed

Katy glanced at him scornfully and said, "No, but you sure don't get it when someone is ignoring you."

Sirius looked appalled, "Ignore? Me? Why would anyone do such a thing?"

"Because you suck?" Kay stated bluntly

Sirius grinned, "Funny one Smith! Anyway, I don't have all day to chitchat. I was wondering if you and Lily would help me."

Lily looked up from her essay and spoke for the first time, "What do you want help with?" she asked suspiciously

"Oh nothing like that, don't worry," he said, "I just need help with some muggle terminology."

Lily let out a sigh of relief, "Yeah sure, what do you want to know?"

"What's a fellyfone?" Sirius asked shyly.

Lily and Kay erupted into peals of laughter, "A felly- fellyfone?" Kay asked, tears pouring down her face.

Sirius sighed, "Really Smith, must you be so juvenile? Yes a fellyfone. Annie Carpenter's a muggleborn and she told me to call her on the fellyfone."

Lily and Kay carried on laughing while Sirius grew quite upset, "Can you two please calm down? I don't appreciate you laughing at my expense."

"I'm sorry," Lily said sheepishly. "Wait don't you do muggle studies?"

"Come now Lily, I only take it so I can throw spitballs at Snivellus."

"Snape," corrected Lily.

"Oh whatever, he's a prat either way. So will you teach me how to use a fellyfone…?" he asked pleadingly.

Lily turned to look at Kay who shrugged, "Might as well. He won't leave you alone till you do."

"Damn right I won't!" he said proudly

Lily smiled and said, "Alright, I'll teach you about a… fellyfone!" she and Kay burst into peals of laughter again.

Sirius did not look amused, "Would somebody care to enlighten me as to why you are laughing like a fellyfone that's ringing off the hook?"

This just sent Lily and Kay into more hysterics. Sirius sat and waited patiently for them to shut up.

"Well you see Sirius… there's no such thing as a fellyfone, not yet anyway," Lily said with a giggle.

Sirius gazed at the two girls with a bemused expression, "But," he paused and thought for a second, "Annie said 'Sirius, call me on the fellyfone' and she gave me this piece of paper with all these numbers." He pulled out a scrap of paper and showed it to Lily and Kay.

Kay pursed her lips in an attempt to stop giggling and said, "Telephone! It's a telephone!"

Sirius scratched his chin, "Oh… So is that why you were laughing like a bunch of gnomes?"

Lily tilted her head, "Correct me if I'm wrong but aren't gnomes, well unfriendly?"

Sirius replied, "Well most of them are but not after they've been charmed by me!"

"As in magic charmed?" Lily asked

"No of course not silly, with my large amount of charisma"

Kay snorted, "Charisma my foot"

"Oh don't you pretend you haven't felt it Smith!"

"I have Black my dear… your lack of charisma that is"

Sirius turned to Lily, "Well since your friend is being impossible, will you teach me how to use a felly- telephone?"

Kay interrupted, "If we do, will you leave us alone?"

"Deal," Sirius and Kay shook hands.

"Right well a telephone…"

**oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo**

"I don't understand! Why are there so many buttons? Muggles love making life difficult," he said as he fingered the buttons absently

Lily, Kay and Sirius were sitting at The Three Broomsticks in Hogsmead. Lily had managed to get hold of a telephone so that she and Kay could help Sirius. It wasn't working. So far, they had established nothing. Sirius still didn't understand how anything worked but had concluded that muggles used elasticity to speak to each other.

"Okay so what happens is that I put this round thing to my ear?" he held up the receiver as Lily and Kay nodded.

"Then I dial the number?" they nodded again

He held the receiver to his ear and waited cautiously. There was a _ring ring_… "Hello, Hastings household. How may I help you?"

Sirius yelped and shut down the phone, "How did that happen?"

"Well the signal went from your phone to hers so that you could hear her," replied Lily patiently.

"With elasticity?"

"Electricity"

"No Lily, that's wrong! It has to be elasticity."

"Uh, pray and tell why"

"Because, elasticity is stretchy right?"

"I, well, uh, yeah it is"

"So therefore what happens is this: the elasticity current travels along the wire and it encloses it self around your voice. Then it steals it and brings it back to the other person."

Lily and Kay stared at him; mouths wide open. Sirius continued, "But wait, therefore you're stealing from someone! That thief of a fellyfone! Lily, I thought you were always such a good girl. I mean Smith I would have expected this of but never you! Hold on, that means that Annie Carpenter wants to steal my voice. How dare she!"

"Sirius, you're not stealing anything!" Lily said, still trying to unravel Sirius' strange logic.

"Lily, don't try to deny your wrongdoings. I hope you will reconsider and stop stealing and join the straight and righteous path. Well my phone days are over, see you two at the castle."

With that, Sirius departed towards Hogwarts and left behind two very baffled girls.

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**Next Installment: _I Can Copy Myself? Awesome!_**

**AN: **Well I hope you enjoyed that! Tell me what you think :)


	2. TellMoonyINeedHelp!

**AN:** Hello! Well I'm updating pretty darn fast! I've decided to split this chapter in two... partly because I wanted to get this up and I'm feeling lazy to type anymore today. next chapter of Still Fighting It should be up in a couple of days.

Hope you enjoy and review!**

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**Chapter 2: Tell-Moony-I-Need-Help!**

Sirius Black patiently knocked on the red wooden door. It was opened and he was now looking into a pair of stormy grey eyes. The owner of the eyes gave a loud sigh. She looked at Sirius expectantly, "What do you want?"

"Well aren't you a barrel of sunshine," Sirius said happily.

"It's 6 in the morning, what do you expect me to be? Happy to see you?" Kay Smith said impatiently.

"Well that's fine. I'm not here to see you I'm here to see Lily," he tried to look past Kay into the corridor. "Where is she anyway?"

"Asleep like any normal human being," she replied snidely

"Not anymore," a disgruntled Lily Evans was now standing in the doorway alongside Kay.

"Oh my Lilykins, how happy I am to see you!" Sirius said excitedly

"Same here," Lily muttered

"Could you two at least _look _happy to see me?" Sirius pleaded.

Kay and Lily looked at each other then they looked back at him and said, "NO!!"

Sirius groaned, "Well it doesn't really matter if your happy or not, I need your help."

"Again?" Kay asked sadly

"Uh yeah," he said sheepishly, "I have these posters right and I need to copy them. But, the thing is that I can't use magic outside of school for another two weeks and neither can any of the marauders. So I was wondering if you could help me?"

"My birthday's only at the end of January," Lily mumbled

"Mine is in August so I guess we can't help you!" Kay said triumphantly and she shut the door in Sirius' face.

Sirius groaned and started banging on the door, "Open it up! Open it up!"

Lily stuck her head out, "You could always use a photocopier?"

Sirius looked puzzled, "A phototototo what?"

Kay screeched, "Lily I can't believe you're helping the buffoon!!"

Yet again, the door was shut in Sirius' face.

**oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo**

**Later that night:**

"Moony, where's Padfoot? He's been gone all day," James Potter, asked his friend Remus Lupin.

"No idea Prongs. Oh, here's Wormtail. Wormtail have you seen Padfoot?"

"Yeah, I saw him being escorted to the police station," Peter paused, "Oh shit! What the hell do you think he did now?"

"Wormtail!" the other two boys screamed. They quickly got up and started walking towards the door. Each was coming up with a scenario that could have landed Sirius in jail.

James turned to Peter and asked, "What did he look like? Did he still have his clothes on?"

"Oh yeah he was fine. That's why I wasn't worried. the policeman was being very nice and he said something about an asylum."

Remus and James let out a big sigh of relief, "As long as he didn't look angry," James said happily

"Oh not angry at all, just pitying like Sirius was a little child," Peter said thoughtfully

Remus suddenly looked alarmed, "Wormtail did you just he mentioned an asylum?"

Peter nodded and then realization dawned across his face, "Oh dear."

The three got up to leave the room again. Peter anxiously asked, "What'd you think he did?"

"Probably tried to have sex with a lamp post," Remus muttered

He didn't realize how close he really was!

**oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo**

The three Marauders walked into the local police station in search of their pissing comarade.

James and Peter, who were not used to muggle police stations, started calling out Sirius' name in the hope that he would appear or come out from hiding. Remus just shook his head and walked over to the main reception.

A disgruntled officer was sitting at the table. Her legs were propped up on the table and she was holding a large doughnut. "What'd ya want?" she asked with her mouth full.

Remus wrinkled his nose in distaste and said, "I'm looking for my friend, Sirius Black."

The woman looked down at her messy table, "Black, Black, Black. Sorry we don't have anyone by that name."

James frowned, "But there's a picture of him right there," he said pointing to mug shot of Sirius. Well, it was hardly a mug shot. Sirius had decided that it was time that the camera began to appreciate him fully. He had done a rather farcical pose: his hair in his eyes, hands on his hips and just a slight pout.

"Padfoot looks like a porn star," commented Peter subtly

"I'm assuming that's your friend?" the police officer said dryly

"You could say so"

"He said his name was, 'tell-Moony-I-need-help'"

Remus sighed, "Typical"

The police officer snorted, "We were going to send him to the asylum tomorrow. The boy is off his rocker."

The three boys exchanged a look, "We know!"

"Ah well there he is. Come on hunny, no one will hurt you. That's a good boy!" the police officer said warmly as though she were talking to a little child.

Sirius stumbled into the reception area. His hair was a mess and he looked very frustrated, "Moony! Prongs! Wormtail! What the hell took you so long? I've been a darn cell for ages now! Do you know how _boring _it is! And his woman," he pointed at the police officer, "she thinks I'm insane, she tried to send me to the asylum! Tell her I'm sane."

His friends just looked at him blankly. Finally James decided to enlighten him, "Sirius, you know you're my best mate but you're not entirely sane."

Sirius stomped his feet in frustration, like a little child. The police officer looked at him lovingly, "Calm down my boy. If you're good I'll give you a gold star!"

Sirius' eyes lit up in excitement, "Really?" Then he caught himself, "Can you just go away woman, you're driving me crazy!"

The officer batted her eyelashes, "All the men say that." She leaned back against the table in a sordid manner, distinguishing her potbelly.

The four boys looked away in embarrassment, for her. Sirius looked impatient, "Can we leave already?"

"You may leave my angel," the officer said sweetly. "Just don't go around trying to have sex with photocopying machines again!"

Remus, Peter and James turned to look at Sirius in horror, "You did what?!"

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**AN: **Well there you have it... What ever has Sirius Black done this time?! Haha review and you'll find out :) :) It should be up by tomorrow or Monday at the latest! Ciao... 


	3. I Can Copy Myself? Awesome!

**AN: Hello**! How are all of you doing? I'm absolutely exhausted! Just finished Chapter 11 of Still Fighting It but I'm waiting a few days before posting it. I felt bad about such a short Chapter 2 so here's the next installment. I understand it's really soon so a lot of people are reading both together so be a dear and leave a review for both, it'll make me happy!

Anyway, Enjoy Chapter 3!

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**Chapter 3: I Can Copy Myself? Awesome!**

_The four boys looked away in embarrassment, for her. Sirius looked impatient, "Can we leave already?"_

"_You may leave my angel," the officer said sweetly. "Just don't go around trying to have sex with photocopying machines again!"_

_Remus, Peter and James turned to look at Sirius in horror, "You did what?!"_

"I didn't have sex with a phototototocopying machine!" Sirius said looking appalled

"Oh honey, it's nothing to be ashamed of," the police officer said comfortingly, "We all have odd fetishes. I mean I know a young man who tried to have sex with a block of cheese once."

Sirius' mouth fell open in horror, "Chee- cheese"

Peter shuddered, "I will never look at a block of cheese the same way again."

"And you know what: he turned out just fine! In fact, I saw him on news the other day. It was something about being knighted for writing excellent lyrics. So you see, there's nothing wrong with being a bit- well queer. I mean I had a thing for onions when I was your age and I turned out just fine," the officer reassured Sirius.

James choked and muttered, "That's debatable."

"What was that honey?" the officer asked sweetly

James turned red and mumbled something that sounded like, "Nothing…"

Sirius, who was now very embarrassed, tried to maintain his dignity and began, "Officer…"

She interrupted him, "Call me Bertha," she said pointing to a gold badge pinned to her large bust.

Sirius gulped, "Well Bertha, you see I don't have a, as you put it, fetish for photototocopying machines. I was just trying to copy mysel- I mean some posters and I had some problems. When the police came, they found me in a compromising position. That's all."

The three boys were looking at Sirius in amazement. Remus put his hand on Sirius' shoulder, "Padfoot, mate, I think it's time you tell us the _whole _story."

Sirius sighed, "Well it all started after I left Lily's house…

**oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo**

**After Sirius Had Left Lily's House:**

Sirius was happily walking along the road back to James' house. It was a lovely day and he felt that apparating would be disrespectful to Mother Nature. Sirius had recently learned about Mother Nature and now respected her greatly. He was careful not to step on anything that belonged to her, because it's not nice when people trample on your belongings… you know.

Anyway, so here he was minding his own business, merrily walking the pathway, greeting all the birds, flowers, ants, and rabbits, as well as earning worried glances from passersby, for some unknown reason – they obviously don't respect Mother Nature Sirius concluded in disgust. Now as you can imagine this took a _long _time but Sirius wasn't concerned, well except for his stomach. So he started skipping out on some of the ants, '**SHOCK HORROR GASP'**. He decided that it was worth disrespecting some of Mother Nature if it got him food. She'd understand.

Finally, Sirius arrived at the main shopping complex. He was waved at a final daisy that had caught his attention, "Morning Daisy, I hope you have a splendid day and give Mother Nature my regards!"

Sirius walked into the complex and the first thing that caught his attention was a large neon blinking sign that said, "_All your photocopying done at reasonable prices! Inquire Within" _in bright yellow letters.

Forget food Sirius thought to himself, he had a prank to pull! He walked into the shop and pressed the dingy dong bell that alerted the assistant that someone was in fact in the shop.

"Good Afternoon I'm Jennifer Hastings, how may I help you?" The assistant said politely. Her mousey brown hair was in a tight bun that reminded Sirius of McGonagall and to top it off she was even wearing a tartan suit.

A slightly frightened Sirius asked, "Can you turn into a cat?"

The assistant replied without a smile, "No, but I can photocopy."

"Do you have a fellyfone?" Sirius cautiously asked

"A fellyfone? I'm afraid not sir. I could run a search for fellyfone on the system and tell you where you can find it?" the assistant responded politely

"NO!" Sirius practically screamed, "I was just checking if you were safe… Fellyfones are awful contraptions – they should be unlegal! Never ever get them!"

"I will let my manager know sir. Is there any other way I may be of assistance?"

"Well you see," Sirius said thoughtfully, "My friend Lily told me that I can copy lots of things using a phototototocopier."

The assistant kept a straight face, almost robotic, and said, "I'm afraid we don't have a phototototocopier but we can make lots of copies of whatever item you please"

"So if I gave you a poster you could make me millions of it?" Sirius asked excitedly

"That is correct sir. We have the latest in photocopying equipment and can copy virtually anything," the assistant said, unaware that she was digging a very deep hole for herself.

"Well, here's my piece of paper." Sirius pulled out a piece of purple paper from his pocket and gave to the assistant.

She came out from behind the counter and led Sirius to another room, "Welcome to our photocopying room sir. Housed here is our prized PhotoCop200000001. Are you aware of how to use the PhotoCop200000001?"

Sirius nodded, how hard could it possibly be to use a muggle contraption. The assistant left the room leaving Sirius all by himself.

Mistake… **Big Mistake**

Sirius sat down _on top _of the PhotoCop200000001 and looked at the keypad next to him, "How hard can this possibly be?" he asked himself, "If Lily can work it then so can I! First, we need to make this more comfortable."

He realized that the top lid could actually be lifted and underneath was a smooth glass pane that had many wires underneath it. Sirius dismissed them and took a seat on top of it.

He glanced at the keypad next to him and began to examine it. Firstly, there was a series of buttons with 0-9 on them. Then there were a whole lot of smaller buttons that Sirius couldn't have been bothered to read. Finally, a big red button said _COPY_ above it.

Sirius' fingers twitched to press it. He distantly remembered Remus telling him to '_always press the big red button, it's what they want you to do.' _Or was it '_never __press the big red button_'? Sirius couldn't remember, so he did what Lily said, 'when in doubt do what the hell you want to'. Sirius had a feeling that wasn't what she really said but it was somewhere along those lines.

So Sirius pressed the big red button.

The machine came to life and began whirring uncontrollably. Sirius freaked out just as a light began to pass underneath him.

Oh shit.

It was _never _press the big red and the they were the aliens who were now going to zap him away to the planet Zong Bong. Sirius covered his eyes in fear, if he was going to go he was going to go quietly.

Just as quickly as the whirring started, it ended. Suddenly, all he heard was the sound of paper rustling. He looked underneath the machine. A single piece of white paper was lying in the tray, as though the machine had excreted it, and it held an imprint of Sirius' bottom.

"I Can Copy Myself? Awesome!"

He suddenly had a bright idea, what if he copied his entire body. He could give them to all his female fans as gifts – they would love him forever.

So Sirius lied down on top of the glass pane and pressed the red button his entire body waiting to be copied. It wasn't working! The damn machine was only copying his stomach! He knew his stomach was pretty darn amazing but wasn't it unfair of the machine to have favourites, it was after all just a machine.

Sirius wiggled his body up and down so that his stomach was no longer on the glass. He pressed copy and this time nothing came out at all! Just a blank piece of paper.

He began banging on the machine and wiggling at the same time. Hearing the disturbance in her prized photocopying room the assistant entered to find a very bewildering sight. You can imagine her horror at the thought of a grown man trying to hump her lovely PhotoCop200000001.

She let out a scream that gave Sirius the scare of his life. He jumped up and fell back onto the glass. It began to crack, slowly, and suddenly the whole thing collapsed and Sirius fell into the mess of wires below.

He mumbled, "I'm fine," while the distraught assistant ran to phone the police. That was how they found Sirius Black 8.7 minutes later, lying _inside _a photocopying machine.

**oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo**

"Dude," James said in amazement, "You got it on with a photocopier!"

"I did not," Sirius said glumly munching on a doughnut he had somehow acquired while relating his story. "I just got stuck with a biased machine. He turned to Bertha and said, "You muggles have some strange contraptions! First they steal and then their biased! How do you live in such chaos?"

Bertha looked confused, "Muggles?"

Remus saved the day again, "He means, uh, um, mud-like! You have mud-like contraptions. Well we'll be off now, thanks for your help Bertha!"

They all waved goodbye and Bertha told them they were always welcome back.

Peter jokingly added, "With Sirius as a friend we'll always be here!" He got a slap for that. "Hey Sirius, wasn't Bertha eating that doughnut too?"

Sirius gagged, "It's probably gotten it on with an onion!"

**oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo**

**AN: **Wow I'm tired! I've written so much today it's not even funny! Anyway I hope you enjoy and don't forget to review!


	4. Siriusly Felly

**AN: Happy New Years! **Well this fic certainly isn't very popular but I enjoy writing it so I'm going to carry on posting :-) Anyway, this chapter is a bit of a drabble and will be continued in the next chapter where Sirius encounters the... **television!**

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Chapter 4: Siriusly Felly**

Sirius Black sat on a couch, legs stretched out and a bored look on his face. He was sitting aimlessly trying to decide what he was going to do with the rest of his day when he spotted a bowl of cockroach clusters on a table next to his sofa.

He grinned gleefully and grabbed the bowl. He went on to try to throw the sweets into his mouth. He was unsuccessful. For someone who was an excellent beater he had very bad aim. Soon the floor was littered with cockroach clusters and Sirius had managed to get a grand total of two in his mouth.

This is how James Potter found him an hour later. he gazed at his friend with worried eyes, "Padfoot are you alright?"

Sirius looked up, surprised at the interruption, "Oh yeah, just practicing. Hey Prongs why are you so dressed up?"

"Going to Lily's house for dinner," James said proudly. He and Lily had recently got together and this was the first time he would be meeting her parents. "So… do I look alright?" James asked tentatively

"Perfect," Sirius said flippantly, he had a more important question to ask. "Can I come with you?"

James looked at his friend with amazement, "You're joking right?"

Sirius shook his head ruefully, "Alas I am not! Remus has a date and Peter is visiting his aunt in Albania so it is just you and I."

"No," James quickly corrected, "Just you… I can't have you tagging along the first time I meet Lily's parents! They'll never let me see her again."

Sirius shook his head sadly, "Well you know if you don't let me come I could always tell your mom about that time…."

James realized he had no option but to let Sirius come with him, the boy knew too much about him! "Well you can come along," he said resentfully. "But be sure to behave," he said reproachingly.

Sirius placed his hand on his heart and solemnly said, "I promise with my entirest entity that I will behave and not make any rude comments as well as keep from making any sort of mischief."

James sighed, "Well go put something decent on then. You look like a tramp. Hold on isn't that my Wasps shirt?"

Sirius looked down and smiled, "Yeah it is."

James glared, "Why, do tell Padfoot, is it ripped in three places and is also covered in chocolate?"

Sirius gulped, "Accident?"

"Padfoooooot!"

**oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo**

James had finally managed to get Sirius into a pair of formal black pants as well as a button up shirt similar to his own. Sirius had complained the entire time and was now tugging at his collar uncomfortably.

"I don't understand why we have to wear these! They're an awful contraption darn it!" Sirius said unbuttoning the top of his shirt, "That's more like it, now I can actually breathe!"

James gave him a scathing look and knocked on the red door in front of him. Mrs. Evans opened the door and gave James a big smile. James opened his mouth to speak but before he could, Mrs. Evans turned to Sirius and said, "Come on in darling. It's a pleasure to meet you finally. Lily's told us all about you! My you are just as handsome as Lily said you. Oh, and you brought a friend! How lovely! Well come in both of you… The more the merrier eh?" She opened the front door fully to let the two boys in.

By this time, Sirius was looking quite smug and James was glowering. He decided that this was the time to introduce the _real _James Potter. He began, "Excuse me Mrs. Evans but I-"

Sirius interrupted, "He's delighted to be here aren't you Felly?"

James and Mrs. Evans gave him a quizzical look. "My, Felly…" Mrs. Evans said with a look of amusement hinting on pity, "It's a pleasure to meet you." With that she walked back into the dining room and called behind her, "I'll be in the kitchen if you need anything."

James turned to glare at Sirius, "You idiot! Now she thinks you're me and I'm some demented fool called Felly!"

Lily had walked down the stairs just in time to catch the last part of the conversation, "Don't ever say fellyfone in front of me again…" she mumbled in distaste. She looked surprised to see Sirius, "Sirius! What's he doing here?" she asked James accusingly.

"Forced me," James muttered. Then slightly louder he said, "And now you're parents think I'm him!"

Lily gave Sirius a withering look, "My parents think I'm going out with you?"

Sirius looked slightly upset, "No need to jump up and down with joy my jellybean."

Mr. Evans happened to walk into the room then, "Whose talking about jellybeans? I adore jellybeans!" He gave Sirius an appraising look. "You must be James, it's a pleasure to meet you m'boy! Glad to see the boy my girl picked has a good taste in sweets."

Lily let out a sigh of annoyance, "He's not James Daddy."

Mr. Evans, looking quite confused, said, "He's not? But then if he's not James… who is?"

"I am!" James screamed in frustration

"Then are you Felly?" Mr. Evens asked accusingly

"No I'm Sirius."

"You're serious that you're felly?"

Sirius scratched his head and then repeated, "I'm Sirius."

"Well hello then Felly! Would you all like to come in to the dining room now?"

Petunia Evans walked into the scene just then, "Uh," she said with disgust. "Why are there so many freaks in our house?!"

Mr. Evans gave her a reproach full look, "Now 'Tuney be nice. This is Felly he's Lily's friend."

"But I'm Sirius!" Sirius said in annoyance

Mr. Evans turned to look at the four teenagers in front of him and whispered, "Who are you all?"

**TBC**

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**Next Instalment: The TV**

Hope you enjoyed that and remember to review! Have a great holiday:)


	5. TV Time with Popcorn!

Chapter 5:

**Chapter 5: TV Time with Popcorn!**

_Mr. Evans turned to look at the four teenagers in front of him and whispered, "Who are you all?"_

The group all sighed and Lily slowly explained, "I'm Lily."

"I'm James."

"And I'm Sirius."

Mr. Evans surveyed the group carefully before saying, "Whose Felly?"

"No one Dad. No one," Lily comfortingly said

Mr. Evans turned and walked towards the dining room, warily calling behind him, "Well I don't mind if you're all called Popcorn… just come and sit down so we can eat."

Lily led the boys down the hallway, sending Sirius withering looks the entire way.

Sirius turned to James casually, "Jamie can't you just feel the love radiating from Evans tonight?"

Lily stopped and put her hands on her hips, "Sirius you're not even supposed to be here! If you want to live out tonight you better just shut up and keep your finger on your mouth."

Sirius glared, "I'm seventeen, not two!"

Lily rolled her eyes, "Just come on you two."

James and Sirius followed her and they sat down at the dinner table. James immediately went and sat down next to Lily and that only left one place for Sirius… Next to Vernon Dursley.

Sirius, not aware of Vernon's dreariness, happily sat down and exclaimed, "Hello I'm Sirius and you are?"

Vernon gave a Sirius a skeptical look, "I thought you were Felly?"

Sirius looked alarmed, "Of course not, those meddlesome machines with their unlawful ways! You've never been in contact with one have you?"

Vernon turned away in revulsion, "I never have anything to do with anything unlawful."

Sirius nodded approvingly, "That's excellent! I mean, I was so surprised that it was Lily that was involved with the thieves."

Marge Dursleys' head snapped to face Sirius as soon as she heard 'Lily' and 'thieves' in the same sentence. "What did you say dear?"

Sirius looked abashed, "I- well- Oh look is that steak?"

"It is indeed dear," Mrs. Evans said with a smile.

"Now look here Felly! I demand you tell me what you were saying about Lillian and her thieving ways!"

Lily looked up from her plate in surprise, "Thief? Me? Sirius Black! What have you been saying?"

"Ba-ba-bathroom?" Sirius stuttered before running out of the room. He had no idea where exactly the bathroom was in Lily's house but he reckoned it would be pretty obvious when he found it. I mean after all, bathrooms are quite different to other rooms?

Sirius began humming to himself and he came to a grand oak door. He could hear the sound of voices inside the room and decided to investigate.

He opened the door a crack and looked in to see a bright shining box. It reminded him of a glow worm. A shiny one… except glow worms were usually shiny, hence the _glow_. So while Sirius was examining this glow-worm-like box Mr. Evans had entered the room.

"Nice TV, eh?" he asked proudly

"TV?"

"Uh huh! It was my father's. Only one like it in England… it's probably worth a good sum too. I haven't ever let Lily or Petunia use it… Too special it is."

"What does it do?"

"My good lad! Have you never used a TV?"

Sirius shook his head regretfully.

"Well it shows you movies and such. I prefer watching the news but Lily and he mother are quite fond of the movie channels."

"Could you put one on for me?" Sirius tentatively asked

"That I can…. Though you must swear that you won't touch it!"

"I swear to Merlin," Sirius promised, hand on his heart.

"Well here you are…" Mr. Evans pointed at the screen, "This one's a favorite of mine." Mrs. Evans called his name from the kitchen. "Felly my boy, I'll be right back. Don't touch _anything_."

Sirius ignored Mr. Evans warning because at that second a particularly beautiful girl had appeared on the screen. Sirius watched in amazement as she spoke to her boyfriend. Sirius glared at the boyfriend in question. He wasn't that attractive he contemptuously thought… I'm probably handsomer! She just needs to look at me… Darn woman look at me!

But she refused to look at Sirius.

Sirius continued to glare at the TV screen and when this didn't yield any results he decided that if that darn woman wasn't going to look at him then he'd make her!

Sirius looked at the screen and tried to think of someway that he could get _inside _the TV. He knocked on the glass screen trying to get the attention of the woman. Didn't work.

He sat down and thought and thought and finally like a blazing comet it came to him! Except it wasn't actually a blazing comet because that would have been quite hot… Anyway, so the idea came to him in a sudden epiphany and he decided that he was going to apparate to wherever this woman was!

ONE

TWO

THREE

**BAM**

Sirius suddenly found himself, literally, _inside _the TV… Mr. Evans' prize TV that now lay in a mangled heap…


End file.
